(WO)MAN’S best friend can be a mixed blessing. Like children, they are totally dependant, totally unconditional love, blah de blah…

As a co-owner of two ‘fur babies’ I have learnt that in order to stay sane, one must turn a blind eye, nose, ear and occasionally mouth, to some of the frankly disgusting things they do.

Cupboard essentials now include spot carpet cleaner, carpet shampoo machine, pet hair hoover, dog hair clothes and furniture brush, dog hair thingy to put in the washing machine and tumble dryer, linen disinfectant, worming tablets and always have the vet on your quick dial.

While our Labrador, now three, appears to have grown up into a well behaved, polite young lady whose worst trait is pulling like a raging bull on her lead when first out on a walk, Holly, a Jack Russell, who’s nearly two, appears to have become entrenched in puppy mode, which is on the one hand as cute as any baby animal, and on the other, well, let’s just say that my three-year-old granddaughter has made a game of ‘what did Holly eat/do today?’

Just before lockdown started, I had my eyes tested and needed a new prescription.

Being me, I tucked the prescription into a ‘special’ pocket in my handbag and forgot about it. Until Holly ate my prescription glasses. Both pairs, the bi-focals and the reading ones. I could not get my prescription filled as all shops were in lockdown. Not even online, because I have an unusually large head, and could only find three possible pairs which might fit, and I decided to wait. Months of just out of focus television-watching, walks and house cleaning.

It’s a good job that she’s such a clown and that we adore her because the past couple of weeks, she has outdone herself.

She chewed a hole in my ‘anti-anxiety’ blanket cover. While the cover was off for mending and washing, she threw up on the naked anxiety blanket, then ate it and chewed another hole in the blanket trying to get to the last delicious morsel.

My friend came over and made the mistake of taking off her shoes. Holly sneaked off with them, and a couple of hours later, when my friend was getting ready to leave, we had to hunt down the now bits of shoe leather which Holly had scattered over the house.

Holly totally surpassed herself this week. I have always thought that the worst waking up I have ever had was when one of my sons, as a toddler, climbed into my bed, took his nappy off, and sat on my face (top tip, if this happens to you, don’t open your mouth to scream).

Holly, dug up an old bone, bought it into my bedroom, sat on my chest, tilted her head and poured live maggots all over me.

I screamed so loud my husband who was downstairs sprinted upstairs to find me gibbering, covered with maggots, while Holly was trying to comfort me by sticking her tongue up my nose.

I’m still screaming internally three days later.

Get a dog they said…