I am not a good flyer, nor am I a good sleeper.
Waking up in a dingy hotel near Gatwick to prepare for my 5th flight in 9 days filled me with dread.
For context, I had just finished a 5-day hike in Norway and was looking forward to three nights at the all-inclusive Ixian Grand & All Suites in Rhodes, Greece, where I was in for an absolute treat.
Rhodes is the largest of Greece’s Dodecanese islands and is known for its food, beach resorts and remnants of the Crusades. I was also told that the locals were frosty towards tourists. But was that true?
"Be a traveller, not a tourist," n all that.
Not wanting to waste the few appropriate Rhodes clothes I'd brought with me, I put my Norway gear back on - boots and all - and headed through Gatwick, where the 'travelling' began without delay.
After whizzing through security I headed to the bar, naturally. Almost instantly, I struck up a conversation with Simon, a diamond jeweller from London who I had almost knocked off his stool with my gigantic camping rucksack.
Simon was heading to Ireland to meet friends and was a huge fan of the bar's Bloody Marys. He bought me one - later several - and conversation did floweth. After learning I was from north Wales, he regaled me a tale of his experience in Rhyl where a gentleman "tried to sell me a horse in a pub".
Always keen to educate, I explained to him that, despite appearances, people in north Wales do not typically have steeds that are easily available and that horse is actually slang for heroin. We both found this hilarious and he left on that note.
Jana, noticing the damn good time we were having, took his place. She was a business owner from London off to Paris for the weekend. Like Simon in our short window, we discussed our plans and travels before I had to run to catch my flight, alas.
Aboard the EasyJet flight, I was expecting a slight panic or two but, surprisingly, two hours in it had been completely plain sailing, or flying. The idea of a private pool suite at The Ixian Grand & All Suites was the ultimate valium.
During the last hour, I got bored, so began chatting with the two women next to me also sampling EasyJet's wine selection. One was a former BA cabin crew member with plenty to share.
Legolas himself, Orlando Bloom, is apparently an absolute delight and has time for absolutely everyone. Legolad more like. Liam Gallagher, according to her, is similarly wonder(wall)ful.
But you don't want to hear who was nice, do you? Well, without naming names, I'll allude. A former Labour spin doctor is apparently 'the devil', a current pop princess 'defines the word princess' and a famous Scottish author 'has time for no one'. Make your judgements.
As we touched down in Rhodes she left me with some final slurred wisdom: "Don't waste your life and leave it too late." She was alluding to matrimony, the one social norm that was her, "one and only life regret".
So my mission it seemed - whether I chose to accept it or not - was to go and find love in Rhodes.
I was picked up by The Ixian Grand & All Suites' courier and given a welcome tour during our 15-minute journey to the hotel, Marius even provided water. A true gent.
I arrived and, well, wow. It defies all the pictures online, honestly. Despite arriving at night I could tell this was the crème de la crème of Rhodes hotels. 5 stars I'll have you know.
Sadly, I stood out like Mr Blobby at a state funeral. An imaginary 10-yard exclusion zone seemed to separate the other guests waiting to check in from my sartorial faux pas.
The hotel receptionists, however, were more than welcoming and didn't bat an eyelid. I was taken to my suite where a new level of luxury awaited me.
A bottle of red wine and an array of delicious savoury treats greeted me. But by this point, I just wanted to do one thing. My word, you'll never get a feeling like kicking off hiking boots and diving in your own pool.
The Vis a Vis Restaurant, which is the main restaurant for all guests, the Muza Htista Restaurant, a Peruvian and Japanese a la carte restaurant and the Milonges Restaurant, another a la carte restaurant.
I was promptly seated at Alazonia and was pleased to see I would not be dining alone. What I can only assume were some local stray kittens - who were as friendly as could be - roamed the outdoors of the by now mostly empty restaurant. Heavenly.
Exceptionally quick service to boot, I must say. The house white wine wasn't too bad either, a local Tripodakis Wine.
The menu at Alazonia changes every night so you can almost guarantee you'll find that perfect meal for however long you stay. On my first night, for instance, it happened.
I went for a prawn cocktail to start, pork tenderloin with scallops on the side for my main and chocolate fondue for dessert. Fresh, succulent, and an all-round 10/10.
To get a feel of the hotel I began chatting with a couple from Manchester, Jo and Mark. They were also staying in a suite and had nothing but praise for the hotel, staff, bars and restaurants.
I quickly got the impression there was little need to ever leave The Ixian Grand & All Suites, you had everything you needed and more.
So anyway within half an hour, I was in an Irish bar down the street.
I made many friends, drank too much whisky and butchered several Cranberries songs before a German and an Irishman walked in. And no, this isn’t the start of a joke.
The Irish guy was upset about something, not angry upset, sad upset. They seemed approachable, so I did, and I’m glad I did.
They were a brilliantly funny pair who had met at a hotel and bonded over some recent heartache. This gave me my first lesson on Rhodes, it isn’t just for those in love, but those who have only recently checked out from it.
I think that's important to note as a feeling for the island. Forget any preconceptions, it's an island for everyone.
Before long though, I needed bed and slept a thousand sleeps.
Day 2 started with a phone call from reception. Never usually a good sign, but in this case, the best phone call I had ever received.
"Mr Evans, just to let you know we have booked you in for a massage at the spa for this afternoon," My heart and hanging head leapt, 'Oh now you're talking'.
I've never been in a spa let alone have a massage, I'm much more of a talking therapy type of guy (discussing darts in the pub), but this experience was about to open my mind.
After a short wait next to the indoor pool, I was taken for my first-ever massage. "Relaxing massage, firm massage, or intense massage" were the three options laid out for me.
I chose intense, because, when in Rhodes.
I have never thanked anyone for assaulting me before, but by god, that woman's fingers (and fists) worked absolute wonders on my back. Highly recommend.
Feeling a new man, I went to explore the hotel for the first time in the sunlight. At night it is beautiful, in the day it is something else entirely. Stunning.
Thankfully, it is an adults-only hotel, so there was no burning desire to kick a toddler chasing me with a pool noodle as I made my way down to the beach, which sits just off the hotel.
One of the hotel bars is about a 20-second walk from the beach, so I grabbed myself a Negroni and sat listening to the waves waiting for my next treat that evening. A 6-course tasting menu with 2020 Masterchef Professional winner Alex Webb at the Milonges Restaurant.
The menu, paired with wines, was something out of this world. Highlights for me included Alex's Greek heritage tomato salad with tomato consommé, and his signature prawn cracker & pea and mint crush.
In a food coma of Alex's making, I sat back, smiled and thought the evening couldn't be topped. Then a dulcet chorus of 'You'll Never Walk Alone' made its way over to me.
I had to investigate immediately. They sang classics such as Nessun Dorma and My Way and were a huge hit with the hotel's guests, completely deserving of the standing ovation they later received.
Brimming with food, wine and happiness, I made my way out into the night in search of a local Greek bar.
It was uneventful by comparison to the other nights, but just what I needed all things considered. I made pals with a girl who lived near back home, Stef, and the most charming Greek bartender on the island, Jonas. Songs were sung, tales were told and drink was drunk.
By the morning of day 3, I realised I hadn't seen a lot of Rhodes itself yet, so decided that was to be the day I explored the island's main exhibit - Old Town.
The hotel sorted me a taxi to Old Town where I was taught my second Rhodes lesson - be mindful of people trying to rip you off.
I was dropped off in Faliraki, 20 minutes away.
Lindos was too far and Faliraki had several sports bars, so that was the place for me. It's a lively place, I'll give it that. Too lively, evidently, as before long I'd found myself in a tattoo parlour.
After leaving the shop with a flat-cap-wearing goose now on my arm - for the love of god do not ask me why - I found a sports bar and questioned why am I such an idiot. As fate would have it, there was a picture of former Liverpool keeper Bruce Grobbelaar hanging on the wall, my freshly-inked mistake was now christened.
Then I received a message from the girl that I had met the night before, Stef, who said she was at a bar pretending to meet me in the hope of spurning some bloke's insistent efforts.
I couldn't knock the foam off a cappuccino, but myself and Bruce the goose will always answer the call for aid.
It was a good night too, Rhodes offers everything you could want and more in the busier parts and then adversely the perfect amount of peace in the more remote sections.
My overall impressions of the island were summed up by my Ixian Grand & All Suites experience. It was phenomenal, to put it mildly.
If you're thinking of going to Greece with friends, Rhodes is the perfect place for you and if you're thinking of going as a couple, well, you really couldn't ask for a better spot.
But did I find love? Well, yes, in a way. I found a newfound love for adventure, people, throwing myself into experiences and ability to have a damn good time by myself. I'm well aware that's a cop-out.
Now to be a total cliche: "Be open to a world where you may not understand or agree with the person next to you, but have a drink with them anyways."
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